khrbrt said: Who is winning?
I was at the library over the weekend, and they have all kinds of crazy books there! I was browsing the ‘eroticized autobiography’ section, hoping to find some inspiration, when I came across THIS book by RYAN NORTH.
Inside the front cover, the dedication starts right up with an indication of what’s to come:
This book is shouted from the rooftops at all the haters, all the squares, all the sugar-pushers, all the downtown cruisers, all the eagle-boys, all the late-night mamas, all the daddies with their packs on, all the servers, all the waiters, all the rack babies, all the dollar hustlers, all the soda jerkoffs, all the brownstains, all the bronyboys, all the nerdlovers, all the sandy wigglers, and all the 3am jonesin’ candyattic crashers who made this ride as real as it got.
I think that last bit is a reference to Joey Comeau but as for the rest ???
I wanted to check it out and read more but it was ‘REFERENCE ONLY’ and also it was really, like, sticky? That may have just been my library’s copy BUT in the colophon it also says:
Titles set in Ostrich Sans
Text set in Curlz MT
Coated in Rio Grande sticky wax
Each copy kissed by the author or his representative
I’ve already got ENOUGH copies of stuff kissed by Ryan or his representative so I said NO THANK YOU
[ BOOKWAR ]
All I will say in response to this UNADULTERATED SASS is:
- man it figures that Malki would stand up for both the daddies with their packs on AND the sandy wigglers, no surprise there
- Rio Grande sticky wax is a great deal, especially in bulk
- Curlz MT is beautiful and I’m so sorry you can’t see that David Malki and I know you probably think you’re SO COOL by saying you hate it just like you hate Comic Sans just like everyone else (CONFORM MUCH??) but I bet you couldn’t tell me why you hate it just that the LAMEstream Media told you to and yeah I bet you’ve got opinions about Papyrus too, BIG surprise there, but maybe next time before opening your mouth you open your EYES to how beautiful type can be??
- For example an old poem got finally FULLY REALIZED here thanks to a little thing called me and another little other thing called oh I don’t know CURLZ MT:
- I rest my case
It’s been a while since I came across one of David’s books, but I’ve been busy! So busy, in fact, that I thought a nice break would be to sit down at my local library and read some jokes, But look what I found, (ironically??) placed in the humour section!!
Just a couple of things:
- It’s cool how you call out your competition, but calling people who use Rosetta Stone “Rosetta Stoners” was actually kinda mean
- I thought “laff” was just a “funny spelling”, but inside “laugh” is spelled variously as “laff”, “lauff”, “laaf”, “laaaf”, and “läf”
- Cuneiform and Egyptian hieroglyphs evolved in different areas of the earth, at different times, and most likely evolved independently, so all that Egypt stuff on your cover is, like, wrong
- holy crap, David, this is the fourth time you’ve done this??
- finally, and perhaps most importantly, WRITING ENGLISH IN A CUNEIFORM FONT ON YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT WRITING IN CUNEIFORM.
Also, all these jokes seem to be plagiarized from old Reader’s Digest “Humor in Uniform” sections and OH WAIT NEVERMIND I GET IT
This book is an OBVIOUS FALSEHOOD by RYAN NORTH and I can tell because:
- The title’s foward-facing drop shadow doesn’t respect the light being cast by the Outer Glow of the first line OR the numeral. There are a lot of terrible things that I might do in life, but mix up drop shadow directions is NOT one of them;
- Actually that’s all I have.
Ryan, in times like these, I’m reminded of the ancient Mesopotamian proverb:
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.
Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
- James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri
Well, Ryan, TODAY I must assert that it is YOUR candy bar that’s on fire. For shame.
Ryan, I had no idea
Is this why the seal of the royal warrant is on those kid-leather gloves of yours????
UM it’s about a handsome British secret agent man but he’s BETTER than 007 because he has guns on every one of his fingers; I don’t know what everyone’s freaking out about
khrbrt said: Who is winning?
So I stopped by a garage sale on my way to an unrelated garage I’m interested in purchasing and picked up this book by David. It’s the first fiction (??) I’ve read by him!
David, here is my review!
- I liked how you described your costume as “leaving nothing to the imagination, except perhaps how the faces I’d make would look as you slowly cut me out of it”
- colophon was complete and well-detailed
- the way you kept saying “THIS IS REAL AND IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!” at least once per chapter
- the way you wrote “(WOW!!)” after each one of your superhero feats as if you, the writer, were amazed by your own imagination?
- the way you kept using “IRL” and how you kept writing “(that’s short for ‘in real life’)” afterwards every single time
- telling librarians where to file the book on the cover
- the fact you made me your sidekick but kept describing me as “the handsome, more powerful one”??
- ending seemed a bit forced
Well, well, well! Once again Ryan North has stooped to LIBEL and SLANDER in order to besmirch my reputation as a LITERARY POWERHOUSE ON THE RISE.
In your haste to criticize this book, I see you entirely skipped the prologue, which provides important contextual clues for all the pages that follow!
You see, Ryan, this book is in fact a transcript of a dream I had as a teenager, which was so weird and interesting that I thought everyone else should know about it!! In most of it I thought I was in my high school, but it was also kind of like my mom’s house, but my first boss was also there? CRAZY, HUH????? I describe it all at length, in the book!!
My alarm went off at the end which is why the climactic boss battle resolves with “I had to leap up and go pee all of a sudden. TO BE CONTINUED????” which is totally a valid literary device!
THERE. ALL OBJECTIONS ANSWERED HANDILY.
"Former relationship expert Ryan North takes you on a truth-spittin’, no-holds-barred journey through the frontiers of the genderclash…Finally daring to describe fundamental natural laws that the P.C. police (and Obama-style self-appointed guardians of ‘politeness’) would rather be forgotten!
• The 12 Rules Of Power Play (Hint: There’s more than 12!)
• What Penguins Do In Private – And Why We Don’t Do The Same (Anymore)
• Five ‘Magic’ Words That Guarantee She’ll Never Forget You, Ever
• The Rule Of Archimedes – In The Bedroom And The Boardroom And The Boardwalk And Park Place, Too…If You Want It, Take It!
• Wandering Womb Syndrome – Ancient Myth Or Mere Superstition? Or Something More?
• Giving Her The ‘Secret Loyalty Test’ – Before She Gives It To You
• Beat Any Paternity Suit! How To Microwave Your DNA – For Good
• Nineteen Spam-Filter-Beating Synonyms For ‘Misandry’ That Have Increasingly Cruel Connotations
• How To Deserve Any Job You Want – From Birth
• ‘I Can’t Be An Asshole If I’m Right’ – Proving This Old Maxim With Ironclad Logic
• The #1 Haircut For Getting Married – And Staying Married, If That’s What You Want
• I’m Sorry, But You Should Never Apologize. And That’s A Canadian Speaking!”
This book is a HORRIBLE LIE. Just horrible. I did not write this book.
The book I wrote was called NOT ALL POKÉMEN and was a documentary about Pokémon and the men who catch them (they call themselves “Pokémen”)
(but it was only about some of them, because there are a lot of Pokémen out there and I was up against a deadline)
ALSO FOR THE RECORD THERE IS ONLY ONE KIND OF -ANDRY I’M INTERESTED IN, AND IT IS
scribblewise said: help
landofwindandskyscrapers said: This is a book, wrong?
I’d never heard of Horsey Race 64 (there’s not even an entry for it on the Mario Wiki, which is NUTS) but check out these interview excerpts from David’s book:
Nintendo’s offices at that time were open, but everyone had their own cubicle. People would move around, depending on what projects were being worked on. Me and a few other developers had worked out this - demo, I guess you’d call it, where Mario was a horse, and Bowser was a horse, and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom was a horse now too. We saw it as a culmination of Miyamoto’s dream of Centaur Mario, which we’d been unable to realize for Mario 3…
…I’d implemented most of the gaits: walk, trot, canter, but gallop was giving me trouble to get it just right. I’d called [Tom] over to help me get Mario’s trot just right when the higher-ups noticed a bunch of us crowded around my desk. His scent was intoxicating…
…At first everyone was excited about this game that we were calling Okay, Wow, Mario’s A Horse Now. We’d only implemented Horsio, Horsuigi, Horsecess Peach, and King HorseBowser, but we had a pet-and-groom mode for each that, years later, would be recycled for Nintendogs…
…you could form this really meaningful relationship with our members of the Horseroom Kingdom: they’d remember who you were and how you’d treated them in the past. You built up trust with them. Several devs were caught staying late just to program in some extra treats for their favourite horses (and yes, I admit, I slipped Horsey Kong a few extra apples here and there)…
…we’d built a Grand Prix mode (named “Sheesh! Who’s The Fastest Horse??”) where you could walk, canter, or trot in a big circle, and it was about that time when the higher-ups started asking if we could strap motors to the horses to make them go faster, and maybe add wheels to them too. I began to realize something had gone very, very wrong at Nintendo…
…”Excuse me, but I think you mean ‘It matters who has sex with WHOM’ if it causes office drama”, I said, but [Min] talked right over my correction, AGAIN…
…the bananas were the last vestige of our original design, left over from when they were character-specific treats for the noble Horsecess Peach. Nintendo wanted them cut, but Miyamoto said he’d quit then and there unless they were left in. He loved his Horsecess, and even though all her data had been erased [on Black Thursday], he wanted her memory to survive. He put his job on the line for her, for those big ol’ bananas she loved so much. And those of us in “the stable” loved him for it…
I could type out the whole book here! Super fascinating. Thanks for the book, David!!
that’s a stock photo, you can find it on Getty with the tags “man, one man only, adult man, beard, facial hair, salty beard, sea captain maybe, glasses (spectacles), cool glasses (neat spectacles), sweater, one red sweater only (no pants), bewildered, handsome, handsome man but also bewildered, chagrined, mario shell, blue shell, mario blue shell only, blank background, one man one shell, friendly, looks like a good dude to be pals with, nice-looking, good kisser”
You can tell this is not a real book because David W. Malki is actually my uncle’s name (the W stands for “Watch out, I’m not the other David Malki”) but he would never have written this book as he is a noted horse racist
ether101 said: This is a joke right?
Ryan, I have just one question, and it is “Why was this in the ‘autobiography’ section”
Actually, one follow-up: “What will your Patreon money be going toward, exactly”
I was gonna say this is an OBVIOUS FAKE done by DAVID MALKI, but I would really like it if Maggie gave me a book quote, so yeah let’s say this is 100% supercanon
So I was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a carefully-curated selection of nuts (pictured) when what should slide across it but “Sex In Your Thirties”, what appears to be the latest in a series of books by David Malki about David Malki's sexual exploits!
As a man who is also in his 30s, I found this book really interesting and I’m glad David wrote it! No lie. I could’ve done with less of the full-colour glossy-printed nude selfies ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE (sometimes multiple times per page) (especially when David photoshopped a wholly-unnecessary two-page spread of a David-only orgy scene), but sex is something that’s important to many of us, and too often ignored, especially as we age.
Good work, David!! PS It was brave of you to be so naked in front of so many people
Ryan is an on-record enthusiastic fan of the Up Series so I don’t know why he’s so tweaked by my decennial sex manuals? The previous three volumes are out of print but I’m sure the next six or seven will be worth the wait.
Just 2 things, Ryan…
- You don’t have to say “fiction novel.” The fiction part is implied by the word “novel”.
- Why is this book in the Port Authority bathroom
UPDATE: I have learned that it is in every Port Authority bathroom, so I suppose that answers #2, while also raising new questions
The way you can tell this is a fake is that my actual book was called “Space, Batman” and my other actual book was called “Space Dick, Tracy”.
I think he’s just jealous because he can’t enjoy a piece of media without obsessively noticing, and then cataloging, every usage of English grammar that varies even the slightest from some imaginary perfect standard he’s obsessed with! Ryan, you have a DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS. I’d think you, OF ALL PEOPLE, would take a descriptivist view of language! But just check out THIS TRUE EXCERPT from this book I found in an abandoned nautical library:
Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Season 1 (1983)
1:31: Amanda King: “I’ll be right back thank you dear” – Run-on sentence.
4:22: Amanda King: “Man in the red hat…man in the red hat.” – Sentence fragment.
10:48: Amanda King: “You certainly will not!” – Sentence fragment.
16:03: Lee Stetson: “Champagne?” – Sentence fragment.
16:59: Lee Stetson: “I’m sorry that this is…” – Sentence fragment.
17:37: Amanda King: “I just almost did the dumbest thing with your package.” – Awkward phrasing.
27:31: Amanda King: “Valley Forge flapjacks, pilgrim’s peach puff.” – Sentence fragment.
And on and on and on like this for – according to the cover – every piece of fiction between 1960 and 2010!
Let me tell you people: the type in this book is TINY
Um, actually, the “who” versus “whom” thing depends on whether the person being referred to is the subject or the object of the verb, so without a larger context it’s impossible to say which is correct??
THAT SAID, this book looks amazing and I would be proud to have it on my bookshelf, much less be credited as author.
I was poking around some boxes of my brother-in-law’s old stuff when I came across this INCREDIBLY AMAZING BOOK David wrote in… 1997, it looks like? Star Trek TNG had been off the air for a few years, so the market would’ve been primed for a book about how to make your own episodes to fill the gap, including such tips as:
…set your alarm for when reruns air, and point your camcorder at the screen whenever the Enterprise D is in space. You’ll be able to edit in any “establishing shot” you want, which will give your production an incredible air of authenticity! Ensure that family members are quiet as you record to avoid accidental “voice overs”…
…try stopping the camera, then moving out of the frame, then starting the camera again. You’ll appear to have been “beamed off” the planet instantly! A simple line of dialogue explaining the “transporter upgrade” is all you need to make this effect both impressive and credible…
and in later chapters:
The character of Doctor Crusher is played by “Heavenly” Gates McFadden, whose phone number, I’m sad to report, remains stubbornly unlisted…
I don’t think Starfleet uniforms reveal enough skin
If you can find a copy, it’s worth a read! It explains so much about David!
On page 74 I explain all about how to explain away the scan lines on the TV as phaser waves, OR DIDN’T YOU READ THAT FAR
Um, actually, phasers don’t cause waves and you’re probably thinking of gravimetric distortion