scribblewise asked: help
"Former relationship expert Ryan North takes you on a truth-spittin’, no-holds-barred journey through the frontiers of the genderclash…Finally daring to describe fundamental natural laws that the P.C. police (and Obama-style self-appointed guardians of ‘politeness’) would rather be forgotten!
• The 12 Rules Of Power Play (Hint: There’s more than 12!)
• What Penguins Do In Private – And Why We Don’t Do The Same (Anymore)
• Five ‘Magic’ Words That Guarantee She’ll Never Forget You, Ever
• The Rule Of Archimedes – In The Bedroom And The Boardroom And The Boardwalk And Park Place, Too…If You Want It, Take It!
• Wandering Womb Syndrome – Ancient Myth Or Mere Superstition? Or Something More?
• Giving Her The ‘Secret Loyalty Test’ – Before She Gives It To You
• Beat Any Paternity Suit! How To Microwave Your DNA – For Good
• Nineteen Spam-Filter-Beating Synonyms For ‘Misandry’ That Have Increasingly Cruel Connotations
• How To Deserve Any Job You Want – From Birth
• ‘I Can’t Be An Asshole If I’m Right’ – Proving This Old Maxim With Ironclad Logic
• The #1 Haircut For Getting Married – And Staying Married, If That’s What You Want
• I’m Sorry, But You Should Never Apologize. And That’s A Canadian Speaking!”
This book is a HORRIBLE LIE. Just horrible. I did not write this book.
The book I wrote was called NOT ALL POKÉMEN and was a documentary about Pokémon and the men who catch them (they call themselves “Pokémen”)
(but it was only about some of them, because there are a lot of Pokémen out there and I was up against a deadline)
ALSO FOR THE RECORD THERE IS ONLY ONE KIND OF -ANDRY I’M INTERESTED IN, AND IT IS
scribblewise asked: help
landofwindandskyscrapers asked: This is a book, wrong?
I’d never heard of Horsey Race 64 (there’s not even an entry for it on the Mario Wiki, which is NUTS) but check out these interview excerpts from David’s book:
Nintendo’s offices at that time were open, but everyone had their own cubicle. People would move around, depending on what projects were being worked on. Me and a few other developers had worked out this - demo, I guess you’d call it, where Mario was a horse, and Bowser was a horse, and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom was a horse now too. We saw it as a culmination of Miyamoto’s dream of Centaur Mario, which we’d been unable to realize for Mario 3…
…I’d implemented most of the gaits: walk, trot, canter, but gallop was giving me trouble to get it just right. I’d called [Tom] over to help me get Mario’s trot just right when the higher-ups noticed a bunch of us crowded around my desk. His scent was intoxicating…
…At first everyone was excited about this game that we were calling Okay, Wow, Mario’s A Horse Now. We’d only implemented Horsio, Horsuigi, Horsecess Peach, and King HorseBowser, but we had a pet-and-groom mode for each that, years later, would be recycled for Nintendogs…
…you could form this really meaningful relationship with our members of the Horseroom Kingdom: they’d remember who you were and how you’d treated them in the past. You built up trust with them. Several devs were caught staying late just to program in some extra treats for their favourite horses (and yes, I admit, I slipped Horsey Kong a few extra apples here and there)…
…we’d built a Grand Prix mode (named “Sheesh! Who’s The Fastest Horse??”) where you could walk, canter, or trot in a big circle, and it was about that time when the higher-ups started asking if we could strap motors to the horses to make them go faster, and maybe add wheels to them too. I began to realize something had gone very, very wrong at Nintendo…
…”Excuse me, but I think you mean ‘It matters who has sex with WHOM’ if it causes office drama”, I said, but [Min] talked right over my correction, AGAIN…
…the bananas were the last vestige of our original design, left over from when they were character-specific treats for the noble Horsecess Peach. Nintendo wanted them cut, but Miyamoto said he’d quit then and there unless they were left in. He loved his Horsecess, and even though all her data had been erased [on Black Thursday], he wanted her memory to survive. He put his job on the line for her, for those big ol’ bananas she loved so much. And those of us in “the stable” loved him for it…
I could type out the whole book here! Super fascinating. Thanks for the book, David!!
that’s a stock photo, you can find it on Getty with the tags “man, one man only, adult man, beard, facial hair, salty beard, sea captain maybe, glasses (spectacles), cool glasses (neat spectacles), sweater, one red sweater only (no pants), bewildered, handsome, handsome man but also bewildered, chagrined, mario shell, blue shell, mario blue shell only, blank background, one man one shell, friendly, looks like a good dude to be pals with, nice-looking, good kisser”
You can tell this is not a real book because David W. Malki is actually my uncle’s name (the W stands for “Watch out, I’m not the other David Malki”) but he would never have written this book as he is a noted horse racist
ether101 asked: This is a joke right?
Ryan, I have just one question, and it is “Why was this in the ‘autobiography’ section”
Actually, one follow-up: “What will your Patreon money be going toward, exactly”
I was gonna say this is an OBVIOUS FAKE done by DAVID MALKI, but I would really like it if Maggie gave me a book quote, so yeah let’s say this is 100% supercanon
So I was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a carefully-curated selection of nuts (pictured) when what should slide across it but “Sex In Your Thirties”, what appears to be the latest in a series of books by David Malki about David Malki's sexual exploits!
As a man who is also in his 30s, I found this book really interesting and I’m glad David wrote it! No lie. I could’ve done with less of the full-colour glossy-printed nude selfies ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE (sometimes multiple times per page) (especially when David photoshopped a wholly-unnecessary two-page spread of a David-only orgy scene), but sex is something that’s important to many of us, and too often ignored, especially as we age.
Good work, David!! PS It was brave of you to be so naked in front of so many people
Ryan is an on-record enthusiastic fan of the Up Series so I don’t know why he’s so tweaked by my decennial sex manuals? The previous three volumes are out of print but I’m sure the next six or seven will be worth the wait.
Just 2 things, Ryan…
- You don’t have to say “fiction novel.” The fiction part is implied by the word “novel”.
- Why is this book in the Port Authority bathroom
UPDATE: I have learned that it is in every Port Authority bathroom, so I suppose that answers #2, while also raising new questions
The way you can tell this is a fake is that my actual book was called “Space, Batman” and my other actual book was called “Space Dick, Tracy”.
I think he’s just jealous because he can’t enjoy a piece of media without obsessively noticing, and then cataloging, every usage of English grammar that varies even the slightest from some imaginary perfect standard he’s obsessed with! Ryan, you have a DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS. I’d think you, OF ALL PEOPLE, would take a descriptivist view of language! But just check out THIS TRUE EXCERPT from this book I found in an abandoned nautical library:
Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Season 1 (1983)
1:31: Amanda King: “I’ll be right back thank you dear” – Run-on sentence.
4:22: Amanda King: “Man in the red hat…man in the red hat.” – Sentence fragment.
10:48: Amanda King: “You certainly will not!” – Sentence fragment.
16:03: Lee Stetson: “Champagne?” – Sentence fragment.
16:59: Lee Stetson: “I’m sorry that this is…” – Sentence fragment.
17:37: Amanda King: “I just almost did the dumbest thing with your package.” – Awkward phrasing.
27:31: Amanda King: “Valley Forge flapjacks, pilgrim’s peach puff.” – Sentence fragment.
And on and on and on like this for – according to the cover – every piece of fiction between 1960 and 2010!
Let me tell you people: the type in this book is TINY
Um, actually, the “who” versus “whom” thing depends on whether the person being referred to is the subject or the object of the verb, so without a larger context it’s impossible to say which is correct??
THAT SAID, this book looks amazing and I would be proud to have it on my bookshelf, much less be credited as author.
I was poking around some boxes of my brother-in-law’s old stuff when I came across this INCREDIBLY AMAZING BOOK David wrote in… 1997, it looks like? Star Trek TNG had been off the air for a few years, so the market would’ve been primed for a book about how to make your own episodes to fill the gap, including such tips as:
…set your alarm for when reruns air, and point your camcorder at the screen whenever the Enterprise D is in space. You’ll be able to edit in any “establishing shot” you want, which will give your production an incredible air of authenticity! Ensure that family members are quiet as you record to avoid accidental “voice overs”…
…try stopping the camera, then moving out of the frame, then starting the camera again. You’ll appear to have been “beamed off” the planet instantly! A simple line of dialogue explaining the “transporter upgrade” is all you need to make this effect both impressive and credible…
and in later chapters:
The character of Doctor Crusher is played by “Heavenly” Gates McFadden, whose phone number, I’m sad to report, remains stubbornly unlisted…
I don’t think Starfleet uniforms reveal enough skin
If you can find a copy, it’s worth a read! It explains so much about David!
On page 74 I explain all about how to explain away the scan lines on the TV as phaser waves, OR DIDN’T YOU READ THAT FAR
Um, actually, phasers don’t cause waves and you’re probably thinking of gravimetric distortion
I’ve spent a lot of time with Ryan North. We’ve hung out plenty; I’ve slept over at his house; he’s slept over at mine; our wives are friends.
Despite being married, he’s got a certain flirtatiousness to him: he half-jokingly says “…Ladies” a lot, and is big into talking about parties and makeouts as the best things to do all day. So if I had to guess, I’d say he probably has a brain-train running on a somewhat saucy naughty-track most if not all of the time.
BUT NOW I KNOW FOR SURE.
this is the first of Dave Malki’s SCURRILOUS LIES that I actually wish were true; this book looks awesome
So last week David produced a photoshopped image of a book he claims I made which I will barely comment on except to say that the actual book I’ve written, referenced at the top his fake cover, is actually called “Pictures I Took Of Sleeping Strangers” not “Picures”. Geez, David. You’re not even spell checking these forgeries now??
Anyway I was going to let sleeping dogs lie except that I have a standard order on Amazon Platinum Reserve for any book David produces, and this came in the mail today. It’s his latest book.
David Malki is apparently planning a run for President (for the Republican party??) and also is apparently big into his own giant head.
I don’t even think his head is that big?
It’s like, average-sized
I haven’t been sleeping well recently, and I even went to a sleep study the other week to see if it might be related to a breathing problem, or a deviated septum, or stress, or what it might be. Anyway, the last week or so I’ve actually been doing much better, and last night I was pleased to get to bed at a decent hour and pass most – but not all – of the night uninterrupted.
MEANWHILE, Ryan North is up there in Toronto, blogging away, doing his open mics, recounting his many sordid adventures in a series of increasingly-implausibly-vulgar essays, and fousting his deranged worldview on legions of bro-tude fratholes. THANKS, RYAN. THANK YOU FROM ALL THE REST OF US IN THE WORLD.
okay so it is slightly possible that Jenn texted the Malki household at 4am their time to ask for toilet paper this morning when she thought she was texting me
So as you probably know David Malki has been behind a Machine of Death game Kickstarter that went really well! And now in the final stretch of it he’s dealing with fulfillment, which is a pain at the best of times - but he’s unlocked Hard Mode by choosing to send boxes labelled “MACHINE OF DEATH” to all corners of the world. And some customs agents are looking at these thousands of mysterious death boxes he’s shipped a liiiiiiittle suspiciously. I GET IT. And it’s probably stressful dealing with that. I GET THAT AS WELL.
What I don’t get is taking out your frustration on that fulfillment company by photoshopping up a fake book that suggests I instructed these people working for him to be lazy, shiftless agents of sabotage?? I was trying to figure out why David - a man I consider a friend - would resort to such awful measures not as a last resort, but as a first resort, as a routine matter of course, when Jenn came running in, breathless, and said she found a book someone abandoned on the streetcar that would probably interest me.
…AND SUDDENLY ALL MY INTERACTIONS WITH MR. DAVID MALKI MADE PERFECT, TERRIBLE SENSE.
Some of you may know I did a Kickstarter recently! (Well, it started almost exactly a year ago, so kinda recently.) Getting our game made and shipped to the States and now, finally, shipped out to all the backers has been a very interesting challenge. (For example, I had to defeat a wizard.)
But now the games are here, and they’re shipping, and most of them have shipped, but it seems like finishing the last couple hundred nitpicky orders continually evades my grasp. I have entrusted the entire shipping task to a huge and powerful fulfillment company, but I am increasingly realizing that our small number of customized and special orders is as confounding to them as a stack of sheet music would be to a dog.
We spent six hours in the warehouse today trying to identify unlabeled orders and match up custom contents and rectify stalled shipments and just generally solve problems, and I think it went pretty well. But when reaching into a box for some packing supplies, I came across the above book by Ryan North…
…AND SUDDENLY THEIR ENTIRE WORKING PHILOSOPHY MADE SENSE.
"THANKS", "RYAN". Sheesh.